Transition

I did not realize before this time in my life that I do not like being disturbed in my bed. The dog and the cat have always made a point to lay on top of my feet which inevitably results in a swift kick off the bed and I usually get up to shut the door behind them because they will ignore any sign I post saying KEEP OUT. I've always jokingly gotten frustrated with John about his tendency to over flip and flop around the bed in order to get comfortable, loosing orientation of all the bed sheets. But, recently The Boy has decided that it is impossible to sleep with me at night in our bed. An afternoon nap has not been a problem for quite a while. But at night, even in the wee hours of the morning all he does is huff and puff and toss and turn and squirm and kick and it DRIVES ME CRAZY.

Part of it is that I wish we were still able to share the same bed. Because who doesn't like to snuggle up to a sweet sleeping baby? Part of it is that I don't understand why he can't settle down or get comfortable despite his tiredness. He's not fussy, he just can't lay still. Why?

The Boy has been sick the past few days. Nothing major just a sniffly nose and a bit of a cough, but I am always quite concerned about croup. On nights like this, I would be more comfortable to sleep near him so that I can hear any changes in his breathing before the croup gets out of control (it happens really fast) But, he just can't sleep with us at night any more.

The other problem that a simple stuffy nose has created is weaning. It's really hard to nurse with a stuffy nose. I am trying my darndest to keep nursing him, if only at night, for as long as possible. But because of my sporadic night schedule at work, menstrual cycles and now a stuffy nose, it seems the end is near. I am torn between just letting the transitions that naturally want to happen, happen. But at the same time, we are going on a trip at the end of April and it is so extremely easy to nurse him to sleep right now that I dread the idea of finding an entirely new bedtime routine. Especially one without a rocking chair, without his own bed, without the quiet of our own home for him to cry for a few minutes without panicking anybody.

This, weaning, is probably the crux of the entire problem. It will be hard to let go of, but it's even harder to resist (the last resort is to start pumping again and I would almost rather die than attach myself to that machine again...) It seems that every day, my position changes, yes, no, yes, no, of course, of course not and so I am still getting frustrated.